|I needed to get this off my chest..
||[Apr. 25th, 2013|03:32 pm]
The Incredible Chipmunk
I don't think anyone will ever read this...but I wanted to put it out there for a certain someone -- My best friend in the WHOLE WORLD, who I hurt deeply, not intentionally...but that doesn't make it better. She was my rock, my motivation, my inspiration, my sister, my partner in crime -- and for all her loyalty and friendship, all I did was hurt her. F*cked up right? IT IS. I was in a VERY dark place for a LONG time. It all began when I moved to a different state. By the time I came back years later we were different people who had grown apart--fair enough. The trouble really started when I fell into a vortex -- a cycle I couldn't break free from -- I won't blame ANYONE else, but I ended up distancing myself from my other half to be closer to people that were as f*cked up as myself. Before long I lost myself in what I was trying to pretend to be; I was never as hard or cold as I pretended to be, but damn I deserved an oscar. All the while the guilt TORMENTED me, as I pushed away the one person who I wanted in my life forever, my sister, my other half -- HOW COULD I EVEN THINK OF DOING THIS? HOW COULD I HAVE GONE THROUGH WITH IT? HOW? WHEN? WHY? I asked myself these questions-- but that conscience....the 'REAL' me was being muted. Someone kept her from having a say and any power to stop it in its tracks. The vortex had begun. The guilt was immediate. The pain just as instant. Nothing can make a person feel more helpless, or powerless. The depression comes intertwined in the guilt, making fighting it seem so pointless. You know you'd fail anyway, right? You see yourself falling, and even as you hear them call out to help you; the voice inside saying "they love you, what are you doing???? LISTEN TO THEM" you ignore them--you pretend if you can't see them, they can't see you. I hope that explains where this letter comes from. It's vague because this letter is meant for whom it concerns, and she will recognize it immediately IF she ever logs back on LJ (its been a few).
For ONCE I'm NORMAL again [(or as normal as I get)]
To whom it concerns,
OK-- I know I've said this a million times before, but I want to actually be the friend you deserve and that I genuinely WANT to be for you -- and lord knows the past can't be rewritten, and I've made a million mistakes that I WISH so much I could take back or do over -- but I can't, I can only try to show those who are important to me (like you) that I AM changing (I say 'am changing' because there's still improvements to be made), and that I'm FINALLY becoming the person you (and a select few others) somehow had faith I'd become....(sorry this is a novel, but I've been wanting to say these words for a while now....I wanted to do it in person, but frankly after much thought I feel as though it's more important for you to just KNOW that I feel this way). You have ALWAYS been there for me, and I have not deserved such loyalty. My admiration for you has no words. The love I have for you is just as unspeakable. That sounds weird, but it's honest. Hopefully not too creepy haha. I know it seemed so wrong to push you away, keep you at such a distance -- it was NOT because I didn't love you, or because I didn't want to be friends...nothing like that. It was still due to selfish reasons, but the reasons were more like "I just can't let her see me like this" -- I know that seems insignificant and petty, but please just accept (if understanding is too difficult) that I couldn't bear the thought that you even knew I was so sick, and even more if I had to see you see me...it killed me. Rightly so. I tried to bury the guilt, pretend I could drop it but those feelings...I don't think I could ever really explain. I don't even know if this makes sense anymore....bottom line--what I did was wrong. So wrong. I didn't realize that I was causing more harm then good. Or at the very least, I didn't want to believe I was.In reference to distancing myself from you anyway...but that's the past. I am sorry. I really am. I want forgiveness, and I hope for it one day, after I have shown you and myself that I'm well, worthy of it. That sounds icky but I know you understand that. I need to deserve the love and faith that was shown to me, and I won't rest until I do. First though, I need to reintroduce myself. I knew you a long time ago, and I would like the opportunity to get to know you again. Regardless of whether YOU (balls in your court) wish to grant me the opportunity or not, I will always love you and be forever grateful. You've done SO much for me -- things that you did not physically do (though that too really) but MORE IMPORTANTLY for me spiritually and emotionally...and I will always be thankful and love you forever for that. I don't know that you will ever want to take a chance and try to be close with me again, but I will always be trying. Just fyi. You've always been my rock, always -- even when you're mad at me and we aren't talking and I'm mad at you....I still use your memory to keep me in check. It has been over 4 months since I last even thought about such mayhem inducing stupidity. I can finally think straight, and see clearly....and if anything were to happen today or tomorrow, I guess I just HAD to be sure that you would know I AM SORRY. Why am I being so sentimental? I HAVE NO IDEA. But I love you girl, and I always will. You're always be my 'somehow closer than a sister' sister. <3.
I don't know if I'll ever get the balls to just say this to you face to face. Why can't I? Because I know I'd just cry and the words would NEVER get said. It's not even fear...I just feel SO much emotion and very strongly about this whole thing. Every night I pray that you will forgive me, that I will be able to show you that I can be a better person. I want to show you, not just say it, not just tell you I am, but to be better and lord knows I pray every night you'll grant me that last chance to do so. I would never blame you if you didn't. How many chances have I gotten? How many chances are one too many? I can think of a million reasons for you to give me a big F*ck you....but...hopefully you won't...hopefully I have the composure to say this to you, or you read this because at the VERY LEAST, -- I just want you to know how I feel, who I am, and know that if it will make you feel better, you can punch me in the face a few times....(please not too hard?). <3